So one week from now, We'll be all settled in at RMH (Ronald McDonald House), and catching up with those we've met there. I have to say that I am both excited and nervous about our appointment next week. Let me break down my feelings a bit, and maybe it will help me understand it a little better, and give you some insight as well.
I feel excited to go back, as we haven't been to an appointment in over 6 months! That's right guys! It's been 6 months. . . I can't even believe it myself! I looked through some photos tonight of just how far my baby girl has come! This time last year she was full time in a brace after her first tendonotomy. She has come so far! If you haven't read our full journey, please do. It's been one heck of a ride! She is now running around with her big sis and friends. It's hard to make her stay still most of the time. Every night and nap time when we put on her boots she helps by putting her feet in for me! Such a change from those first few days when she fought with all she had to not let me put them on. Peanut even helps too sometimes. Her job is to snap the bar on :) She does a wonderful job, and likes to be involved in the process. She always asks me if she wore boots like Lilybear as a baby, and thinks it's strange when I tell her no, and that not all kids have to wear boots to sleep. I explained to her just the other day that when most babies are born, their feet aren't straight so we have to use the casts and the boots to help them be nice and straight for when those babies are ready to walk. She looked at me and said "So that means Lily is special right?" She sure is! :) So I am excited to catch up, and excited to see the Orthopedic team see her now! They are in for a treat!
I am nervous, and at moment terrified that we'll get bad news. . . There is no real logic to this, but I'm a mommy and that fear is just there. I don't think there is anything wrong with her cute chubby feet. But I'm not the professional. I have been having stressful dreams some nights that wake me up. They are kind of flash backs to Lilybears relapse, and how heart breaking it was to me at the time. I felt like I had failed her in some way. I know now that I didn't, and that relapses can happen, but I think there must be some guilt still lurking in my subconscious. I see her running around, and I think to myself that she is doing great, and we'll get all good reviews. . . but then little things start to pop into the back of my mind. Like how her foot was turning out a bit when she was learning how to walk. She doesn't seem to do it anymore, but maybe i just don't see it? Or memories about how I didn't know her Left foot had relapse before. Or other times, if I'm holding her in my lap, and I look at her feet, and I see her holding her foot a little crooked or at an odd angle for a second. Did I really see that or are my eyes playing tricks. I'll ask other people around like my mom or husband and they don't see it. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going out of my mind. So I'm terrified. . . I wish I wasn't, but I am.
So those are some of the thoughts running through my head tonight. One more week, and I'll know. Then I'm sure this will start all over again in another 6 months :) Oh dear. . . :)
I'll leave on a happy note though. Here are a couple of photos of my Lilybear now!